I recently listened to a podcast by Andy Stanley which impacted me greatly. It seems this was the next step in God showing me what’s next after the huge REST lesson He taught me a few months ago. I have been so desperately saying, “Okay God! I got the rest thing. NOW….(drum roll)…show me what to do! I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready!!!

I guess not.

In the 4-part series Andy talked about knowing the difference between the providential, the moral, and the personal will of God. The personal one is the one we all seek after the most. In seeking the personal will of God, sometimes we want God to speak to us, and tell us exactly what He wants us to do. Andy pointed something out that was like a light-bulb moment for me. “God does not give information for contemplation or consideration, God only gives information for participation.” In other words, God isn’t going to tell you what He wants you to do, or where He wants you to go, for you to put it in your ‘basket of options’ to consider - against all the other things you WANT to do. He is only going to tell you when you are ready.

Ready?  What does this really mean? This means you have to get to the place where you are completely DESPERATE for God’s will in your life, that you say “YES” to whatever it is that He says for you to do. Not, “Hmmm, okay…that’s great. I’ll put that in my back pocket to consider.” God only speaks when we are ready to obey, no matter WHAT He tells us to do. Are you at that place yet?  God has the uncanny ability to know when you are really ready also, and not just when you say you are. I know I haven’t been….

 He also talks about the importance of the ‘big picture’ or your vision. tells the story of Nehemiah. When Nehemiah went back to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem, men were trying to get him to stop and travel a ways to meet them. The messenger came to Nehemiah several times and each time he could have stopped what he was doing, and followed them. But each time, he remembered his focus of what he was to do, and said “I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down.” Andy shares that every time he is given an opportunity for a great speaking engagment or an opportunity to begin a new ministry, he has to focus on what he is doing right now and say “I’m doing a great work, and I cannot come down.”

 Perhaps in our great quest to find out the will of God, we are actually IN the will of God doing what He wants us to do RIGHT NOW….and we are losing sight of the great work we are in the middle of, because we are ‘chasing rainbows.’

“I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down.”

“The ground at the foot of the cross is level.”

 -Unknown

In college tonight, I took a very interesting test on finding out your conflict style. It’s pretty accurate, and really is interesting information to know about yourself. Sit down and take this quiz yourself. You’ll need a piece of paper of course. It takes a few minutes to complete, but well worth it. PLEASE be sure to paste what you are in the comments!! I’ll post mine down in the comments first.

Directions: For every question, there needs to be a total of 10 points which must be divided between any of the four responses. For example: on Line 1 you may say 8, and Line 2 you may say 2.  You can use all 10 points on one line if that totally refers to you. For every question, the points must add up to 10. There are 15 questions.

After you answer the questions, refer to the bottom for how to add up your score.

1. When someone I care about is actively hostile towards me, I tend to:
a. Repond in a hostile manner ___ 
b. Try to persuade the person to give up their hostile behavior ____
c. Stay and listen as long as possible ___
d. Walk away ___

2. When someone who is relatively unimportant to me is hostile towards me, I tend to:
a. Respond in a hostile manner ___
b. Try to persuade the person to give up their hostile behavior ___
c. Stay and listen as long as possible ___
d. Walk away ___

3. When I observe people in conflicts, I tend to:
a. Become involved and take a position ___
b. Attempt to mediate ___
c. Observe to see what happens ___
d. Leave as quickly as possible ___

4. When I perceive another person as meeting their needs at my expense, I am apt to:
a. Work to do anything I can to change that person ___
b. Rely on persuasion in attempting to change that person ___
c. Work hard at changing how I relate to that person ___
d. Accept the situation as it is ___

5. When involved in an interpersonal dispute, my general pattern is to:
a. Draw the other person into seeing the problem as I do ___
b. Examine the issues between us as logically as possible ___
c. Look hard for a workable compromise ___
d. Let it take its course and let the problem work itself out ___

6. The quality that I value the most in dealing with conflict would be:
a. emotional strength and security ___
b. Intelligence ___
c. Love and openness ___
d. Patience ___

7. Following a serious altercation with someone I care for deeply, I:
a. Strongly desire to have things settled my way ___
b. Want to go back and work it out ___
c. Worry about it a lot but have further contact ___
d. Let it lie and not plan to initiate further contact ___

8. When I see a serious conflict developing between two people I care about, I:
a. Express my disappointment that this had to happen ___
b. Attempt to persuade them to resolve their differences ___
c. Watch to see what develops ___
d. Leave the scene ___

9. When I see a serious conflict developing between two people who are relatively unimportant to me, I tend to:
a. Express my disappointment that this had to happen ___
b. Attempt to persuade them to resolve their differences ___
c. Watch to see what develops ___
d. Leave the scene ___

10. The feedback that I receive from most people about how I behave when faced with conflict and opposition indicates that I:
a. Try hard to get my way ___
b. Try to work out differences cooperatively ___
c. Am easy going and take a soft position ___
d. Usually avoid the conflict ___

11. When communicating with someone with whom I am having a serious conflict, I:
a. Try to overpower the other person with my speech ___
b. Talk a little more than I listen ___
c. Am an active listener ___
d. Tend to agree and apologize ___

12. When involved in an unpleasant conflict, I:
a. Use humor with the other party ___
b. Make an occasional joke about the situation ___
c. Relate humor only to myself ___
d. Keep all attempts at humor to myself ___

13., 14., and 15. When someone does something that irritates me, my tendency in communicating with the offending person is to:
a. Insist that the other person look me in the eye ___
b. Look at the person directly ___
c. Maintain occasional eye contact ___
d. Avoid looking at the person ___

a. Stand close and make physical contact ___
b. Use my hands and body to make a point ___
c. Stand close to the person without touching them ___
d. Stand back and keep my hands to myself ___

a. Use strong, direct language and tell the person to stop ___
b. Try to persuade the person to stop ___
c. Talk gently and tell the person what my feelings are ___
d. Say and do nothing ___

————————————————–

When you have completed all fifteen items, add your scores PER LINE. Example: add all points from the first line, all from the second line, etc.

Points per line:
First Line _____
Second Line _____
Third Line ____
Fourth Line ____

**All points should add up to 150. No more and no less.

———————————————————-

First Line: Aggressive/Confrontive: high scores indicate taking the bull by the horns and a strong need to control the situation or the people involved. Those who use this style are often directive and judgemental.

Second Line: Assertive/Persuasive: High scores indicate a tendency to stand up for oneself without being pushy, have a positive approach to conflict and a willingness to work others towards resolution. People who use this style depend heavily on their verbal skills.

Third Line: Observant/Introspective: High scores indicate a tendency to observe others and examine oneself analytically in response to conflict situations as well as a need to adopt a listening mode of behavior. Those who use this style are likely to be cooperative.

Fourth Line: Avoiding/Reactive: High scores indicate a tendency toward passivity or withdrawal in conflict situations and a need to avoid confrontation. Those who use this style are usually accepting, patient, and often suppress their strong feelings.

“Often freedom is seen as the ability to do whatever you want. But freedom isn’t being able to have whatever we crave. Freedom is going without whatever we crave and being fine with it.”

-Rob Bell

I asked myself a couple questions tonight.

Is the way I see myself realistic? Do I see myself as loved?

The answers to both of those questions were a resounding “NO.”

Why is this?

As I sat in my bed, God really began to have a counseling session with me. The blogs about “R-E-S-T” were a soul transformation for me. I don’t care if they didn’t do anything for anyone else, they did for me…and by blogging at least they are archived and written down for later, when I can look back and see the amazing things God showed me in my life.

Through that process, I learned one thing. I am not who I am by what I do. As I struggled to answer the questions honestly - ‘is the way I see myself realistic’ and ‘do I see myself as loved’ I was suddenly teleported to when I was a kid in school. Honestly, as a kid I struggled hard for acceptance by the things I did. Somehow I was told by something or someone (maybe even myself) that I am not good enough to just be me. I had to learn a whole bunch of things to make myself BETTER…to make myself more worthy….to make myself able to be loved and accepted. But those things never did it. I still never felt good enough.

As I was having a crying session a few nights ago (soul cleansing in other words), I was teleported back to a busy lunchroom at school. I was a nerd, big plastic blue glasses….uniform that didn’t fit quite well….knee socks and bulky shoes. No one really wanted me to sit with them at lunch. I felt so rejected…so I sat with a group of high school girls that probably didn’t want me sitting there either…but I sat there anyway. I remember how I felt like it was yesterday. The bustling, loud lunch room. Sounds of forks against trays, crinkling of potato chip bags - and even more haunting sounds - the sound of laughter….friends telling jokes, goofing off, sheer joy. For me, it was taunting……I remember feeling the hot flash of embarrassment and shame, staring at the clock WISHING lunch time was OVER…sometimes I would go to the bathroom for 20 minutes to wait until lunch time passed so I didn’t look like a sore thumb sitting alone at the end of that table. Every day I looked to lunch with fear and anxiety. I was the lonely girl at lunch.

I cried bitterly. All of a sudden, I was that girl again…..I was UNWANTED. unlovable. I remember those feelings like they were yesterday. I cried for that girl, wishing I could go back in time and sit down next to her and tell her she was a pretty cool girl…and get to know her.

Then I heard God in a still, small voice. “I loved that girl.” Remember I talked several posts back about not being involved in too much these days? Yeah, I think God’s been bringing me to this.  God is saying, “Yeah, you play the piano. Yeah you can do sign language, yeah you’re educated in computers, you can do websites….yeah you love to horseback ride….yeah you love science. Yes, you love to help others….you love to talk…you love to sing, to lead in music….to lead small groups, you love to read. All these things you do…they are NOT who you are. They don’t validate you as a person….they don’t make you complete, or up a notch in My book.”

“Now that you are none of those things, you are limited in your talents. You are stripped of your ’strong’ identity. And here is where I love you best.”

I’m just Jenny now. I’m not hiding behind all the acts trying to put my best “foot” forward to gain acceptance. I’m sitting here…just broken Jenny…I’m sitting here - that lonely girl at lunch. And that’s how God loves me best. Just being me.

Being just ‘me’ doesn’t feel so bad after all. I wasn’t alone at lunch. God was sitting right beside me all along.

How would you answer those two questions above?